Ekklesia Journey

Ink

2010-02-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

So last night, as I was barely maintaining consciousness trying to write up my grocery list, Dave decided to watch the movie Ink. His friend recommended it. It's an indie scifi/fantasy (but doesn't totally fit that category, imo), and I don't like those genres, but this movie was AMAZING! Any one who has any knowledge of spiritual things will really enjoy it, I think. Or even if not, it's a good movie. I'm not a big movie person, and I was SO tired, but the movie completely captivated me! It's low-budget, but done well considering that. It's not scary, but the imagery is definitely not child friendly. So I ended up getting hooked and watching the whole thing with Dave, and so we were up until 2am! Yeah, I'm really tired today. But it was worth it.

So, check it out: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1071804/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1216924-ink/

http://www.doubleedgefilms.com/

http://www.jaminwinans.com/

Don't watch the trailer around the kiddos.

You could pick at the theology, but just watch it for what it is.

New Year

2010-01-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

I always do a lot of reflecting this time of year. 2009 was a great year. I started out struggling with depression and exhaustion thanks to my thyroid, but that went away when I got pregnant in March, and I have felt so great since then! Life has been hard, being busy with 2 active little kids and a baby on the way, but we did A LOT and had a ton of fun. I really learned how to go with the flow and not stress so much. When we moved to our new house in October, it felt like a huge burden lifted off me. I feel like the move symbolizes a "move" spiritually into a new season. I'm so much more optimistic and excited about life. I'm a lot less stressed and anxious. Our old basement suite symbolized a "cave" to us, and it absolutely was a wilderness time. Now I feel like a "real" person, and an adult. I gave birth to Ruthie at the beginning of December, at home. It was the most wonderful experience! I felt safe and in control the entire time, and it left me feeling so confident and empowered! I feel like there's nothing I can't do. I am also starting to be able to stand up for myself more. It's something I still struggle with, but I've come a long way in this past year.

I feel much closer to God since my home birth experience as well. He was so close to me the whole time. A week and a half after the birth we were at Dave's work Christmas party, and a guy came up to me and said that he really felt that God wanted to tell me He loved me, and He was proud of me. A simple word, that I've got many times before. But in the past, for some reason, that word always made me cry. It was like I didn't really believe it, didn't know it to be true. I guess I didn't really know how to be loved, or felt like I didn't deserve it or something. But this time was different. I was able to receive the word, and I believed it. I've come a long way!

I don't know what 2010 holds for me, I know it will be busy with the kids, but I hope that I will be able to move forward again spiritually. The years in our old place felt so stagnant. It was like we were caught in a holding pattern or stuck in transition. I feel like something has shifted now, though. I'm looking forward to see what this year holds, and will hopefully have the discipline to keep pushing for more.

Moving, Maybe?

2009-09-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Lately my life has been consumed with the possibility of moving to a new house. It has been difficult, as everything in our price range hasn't quite been able to meet our needs. Although we really do need to find something, we are quickly outgrowing this tiny apartment. I have an overwhelming urge to nest, but I have been resisting because I don't know whether to start organizing everything here, or packing things away in boxes. This limbo phase is killing me! We went and looked at a home last night that is perfect, and that we should be able to afford. I filled out the application, and will find out Tuesday if we got the house or not. There are several applicants. I'm hoping and praying that the landlords choose us! It would make our lives so much better.

This whole ordeal has brought up so many things in my mind and heart though. Like, what are we doing as a family? What are our plans and goals? Everything has changed so much since we had kids, and everything is so much more complicated. But it's also wonderfully better. My heart desperately wants to be that family that travels the world and does missions together. Or something. Living the "normal" life is leaving me restless, and my soul is longing for something more. I don't want to move to a house, I want to live on a bus and travel, or hop on a plane and see where we end up. The kids are excellent travelers and love adventures. They are happier and better behaved when we are traveling than when we are just home all day. They have never been the type that needs to be on a strict schedule, they are very flexible and able to go with the flow. But there's a problem. Our finances (or lack thereof) keeps us from being able to do anything but survive. That is God's way of making us stay put. I know that if God had something amazing lined up for us, the money would be there to do it. He has proven that to us over and over. We have also been given no clear direction. I often wonder if we missed the boat somewhere, and now we are just left adrift in the big sea of life. I wonder if all of the exciting opportunities we used to have are long gone. God isn't speaking new things to me all the time anymore, I more often than not just get silence. But I wonder if that's because I've been too busy, preoccupied and distracted by life to really spend any decent time in prayer. I know I need to get more organized in my life and with my time, but I just keep failing. I really need something new. Some kind of motivation that isn't guilt-ridden, and works. Something to lift me up before this baby comes and my life is turned upside down yet again.

I was talking to my former boss at the annual fundraiser earlier this week. She is the most humble woman ever, and basically everything she has ever said to me was straight from God. She was asking how I was doing, and I told her that it was hard "just" being a mom (I officially stopped working for them in August). That there is so much in my heart that I long to do, and it's really hard not being able to do any of it. She told me that right now my ministry and mission field is my family and my home. Now, I KNOW that. I know it deep in my heart, and my husband and children DO mean more to me that anything, and I want to serve them well. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am very passionate and serious about my parenting. I get a great deal of satisfaction from presenting my husband with a hot, healthy, home made meal when he comes home from work. I could be a little more diligent with the house work... but in our tiny apartment, the kids and I are a lot happier if we just go out every day instead. I do spend more time online than I should, I'm pretty sure, but that is because I get absolutely NO alone time all day, and when I am home, the small, cramped, cluttery space makes me anxious, so I just come here to escape. My only current creative outlets are writing, photography, and cooking, and all of those require time spent starting at this machine. The internet is also my only real source of community, which I so desperately need right now. Sorry, that was totally a tangent, but it's just to let you know where I'm coming from.

Anyways, when my former boss was talking to me, I started crying. In front of everyone, in the middle of the large dining hall, just before the event was to begin. I don't know why it hit me so hard. Probably because I know it's true, but I also feel so helpless. I feel like I have absolutely no resources to pull from and I'm running on empty all the time. It's not just because I'm run ragged being a mom (which I kind of am, but I can deal with that), it's just that my heart is not being fulfilled by it. I know that being a mom IS the most important thing I will ever do, so I don't know why it doesn't seem like enough. I read several blogs written by moms who are completely satisfied with their role, and are so amazing and inspiring to me. I do want that. But my heart keeps screaming at me that this is not it. That there is more. And I can't seem to figure it out.

I know that my personal fulfillment should come solely from God. Yes, I do know that. I don't have the time that I used to though, to just spend alone with Him. My prayers are usually desperate, but selfish. My relationship with God, just as my entire life at the moment, is based on mere survival. I know I would benefit a lot from making time for prayer in my day, but it's easier said than done, and would most likely require some help from other people, which I don't have at the moment. I know that I need to do something about it, ME and no one else, but I don't know what or how. I just feel stuck, and when I try and think about it, I just get distracted by some other thing or person that needs me.

This is all pointless rambling, I know. My time would probably be better used washing dishes or sweeping up. But I need to get it out. I hope that we do get this house that we want, because at least it would make the superficial aspects of my life easier, so maybe I could focus on the more profound better. If this season of my life is just about birthing and raising my young children, then I at least want a decent place to do that. I feel so selfish saying that, but maybe it's true.

Interesting Documentary

2009-07-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I would love to part of something like this. I wonder how it would work with kids?

'Our House' movie trailer from Greg King on Vimeo.

Reeeeeally Random Thoughts

2009-06-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

(This started out as a comment on Jade's post about becoming a stay-at-home mom, and then partially fueled by Lindsay's comment to said post. Sorry that it is completely all over the place, but sometimes I like to let my thoughts ramble, and then share them with the world.)

Honestly, I think staying home IS way harder! It's not really the work itself, because that is pretty straightforward, that is if you actually get a chance to do it. But for me it's all of the mental and emotional workload, and lack of rest. I'm sure there are a lot of moms that slack off and watch tv, but honestly I don't have time for that. Maybe it's because I have no family or support out here, and my husband works 12 hours a day, and just wants to sit at the computer when he gets home. So I literally am completely on my own. I also go out at least 6 days a week with the kids, that takes a lot of energy too. Throw in some postpartum depression, thyroid issues and pregnancy here and there, and it's pretty rough. Plus Judith can't seem to do anything (play, eat, sleep) by herself, even though she is so social and outgoing and independent (as in, she doesn't let me help with anything, but I just have to be there. She even asks me to come watch her pee, but I'm not allowed to "help"), I have to be with her 24/7. Gideon will at least play by himself for a while here and there so I can do things. When I was working (while pregnant with Gideon), it was suuuuuch a break to go to work! I was also able to keep my house in better order when I was working, because someone else was here all day taking care of the kids, so I actually had energy when I came home from work. Even though it was hard work for me, it was nothing compared to being at home. The thing about work is, you get to go home. You get to leave it behind at the end of the day, and mentally unwind. I never get to mentally unwind. I am always on the job (even this comment is taking forever because I can't just sit and type it in peace, or in one sitting). I think most moms do make time for themselves, and that's important, I just don't really have the opportunity. And I don't even know what I would do with myself if I did have an hour or two. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of alone time to be able to cope with life, but that's just not an option these days. What I liked about working too was that I could actually be myself for once. I was actually an adult human being that was respected for who I am and what I do, and got to interact with other adults on an adult level. Even when I worked jobs I didn't like, at least I felt like a person. At home, half the time I feel like a robot zombie, and the other half I feel like a kid myself (but not always in a good way). I feel like everything I do is not noticed or appreciated, and it's hard to get the motivation to carry on sometimes. I know that most moms can probably stand up for themselves better, but I don't think it would make a difference. If I say anything to Dave he just goes on about how hard he works, and he's right. He does work more than most husbands. I can't expect anything of him, and honestly I do enjoy taking care of him and serving him amazing food when he gets home from work. I honestly do find a lot of satisfaction in that, even if it gets monotonous.

I think the biggest thing for us is that this is never the life we wanted. Not that we don't want to have a (big) family, we do, and Dave wants to support us financially and I want to be the stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. But this current arrangement just isn't it. We are both seriously burnt out. But we are stuck and don't really have other options at the moment (due to finances). Our hearts and spirits are not being fed, which makes all the difference. It's not that having a family is not good enough, but it's just that we know there is more to our calling than this. And it's so hard being bombarded with all of the everyday tasks, and not even getting those done, let alone do anything external of our family. I want to be the family that travels and does missions and is really tight and just "different". Living in suburbia just surviving day to day kills me. I am so not cut out for this. I could do 10x the physical work I'm doing now, if I just had an outlet to mentally and emotionally unwind, and if I had a community to fill me spiritually.

I'm not saying I rely on other people to feed me, I obviously don't or I would be dead now. I do have my own life with God and that is seriously the ONLY thing that is sustaining me, but that community aspect is so essential, at least for us. We have tried different churches and made friends, but they are all so superficial. We need people that are deep and raw and not afraid to challenge things, and not get offended when we challenge them. You can't just go out and "make" friends like that, you can only really make acquaintances, and whether you click or not isn't something you can control. We have made lots of beautiful and wonderful friends, they just live far away. We need people that we can LIVE with. No one seems up for that here, everyone likes their cozy little lives tucked away in their comfortable homes. They raise their kids, go to church, have their friends, and live their happy lives. Ugh, that is so not me! I need to actually DO something. Living the status quo does not seem worth it to me. That's probably why I have such a hard time with the housewife thing. It's not that I don't want to do it, that I can't do it, and that I don't enjoy being at home with my kids (I do, and wouldn't have it any other way), it's just that when this is all there is, why bother? That sounds so horrible, and everyone pulls the guilt thing and says "Oh, aren't your kids good enough?" Yes, of course they are. But honestly, they are not benefiting from this life either. They deserve better. They are destined for more than this too. This lifestyle is hurting us all. I'm not saying we have to pack up and move to Africa to be missionaries (although we would in a second!), we could stay here in this city the rest of our lives. I don't really care. I just need community. Even if we were never involved with "ministry" again, living with other people just changes that dynamic of life, and makes it more worthwhile. It makes us vulnerable and forces us to deal with our crap and grow. It teaches us what God and the Bible are really all about. There are so many truths and life lessons that we miss out on when we never venture out of our safe little family bubble. And THAT is what's killing me. It's not the dishes, it's not my floors, it's not my incessant children. It's just my heart longing for something more, something that I am called to, but am lacking in.

And I can't just go out and fix it. That's what is frustrating. You can't just grab a bunch of random people and expect to live together and make it work. It has to be a God thing. You all have to want the same thing (God) and not be afraid to get messy in the process. Those people are hard to find here these days. I've contemplated putting an add on kijiji, lol. Community living would solve some of our other problems too, like being able to save money through sharing living expenses (so Dave wouldn't have to work so much and he could actually be more present with us at home), and maybe someone there would be willing to watch the kids once in a while so I could actually read my Bible in peace, nap, or go on a date with Dave. Is that too much to ask? We are honestly just better people when we live in community. We've done it before. We aren't really the "go out" kind of social people, we would rather socialize in every day life. Like around the dinner table, doing dishes together (which we can't even do in our current place because the kitchen only fits 1 person), or while discussing how much we hate each other (in love, of course, we've done that before too but it's always good in the end). I'm just soooo done with this way of life. Maybe I am just a hippie, but honestly I think this is how Christian life is meant to be. Not your happy little life over there, and my happy little life over here. Because, really, mine is not happy. Is yours really happy? Good for you if it is. I bet most people's are, honestly, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to find people with the same heart.

Anyways, this has taken forever, and Judith is currently climbing all over me asking for a turkey sandwich, and Gideon is crying at my feet wanting some boobie and a nap I suspect. So I will stop it here. Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't have the time to edit it. But maybe there is someone else out there who is feeling the same way...

A Four-Fold Franciscan Blessing

2009-05-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

(I stole this from the lovely Amy. This prayer really speaks to me, I may have to print it and put it on my wall. It really conveys the heart of both Dave and I.)

May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide,
be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.

AMEN

So It's Been a While

2009-04-16T17:05:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I guess I have just been in a weird place lately. I am trying to figure some things out for my life, mostly where I belong. I feel totally homesick, but I'm not sure for where. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. It just seems like somewhere along the line I fell off the wagon, and have just been camping out in the wilderness ever since. Although, I have this sense that it's not a bad thing... I don't know. I am learning so much in this dry season, but it has been hard, and very lonely. I feel like this is where God has me right now. I don't feel abandoned at all. But I am starting to reassess everything. I have been given a chance to reflect on the past 5.5 years, and gain some clarity. At the same time I do honestly feel spiritually dehydrated. I'm not sure what to do or where to go, and God is not giving me any clear answers about that right now.

So I guess all I can do is continue on, pray, and listen. I know that God will speak when the timing is right.

Creating Beauty out of Chaos

2009-02-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

The other day I picked up soy chai lattes for all of us at Starbucks, and the quotation on Judith's cup was "Mother-love is not inevitable. The good mother is a great artist ever creating beauty out of chaos." It really spoke to me. I have been struggling lately with my identity as a young mother. So much of what was in my heart pre-motherhood has been put on hold, or forgotten altogether. Some days I wonder if I will ever have the chance to actually be the creative person I know is in there. This simple inscription on the side of my little girl's cup gave me hope that, perhaps, I AM indeed being true to my heart and my purpose in life. It just looks differently than I thought it would. Even just the wording of it spoke to me on many personal levels that I won't take the time to explain here. I will have to remind myself of this next time I get discouraged with my life. I really feel like it was God's word to me that day. It has actually inspired me to try and think of some kind of way I could artistically express that phrase. But alas, the spirit is willing, yet the flesh is weak...

I have also been struggling with my role as a housewife. I am SUCH a horrible housewife! Clutter is attracted to me, and I don't notice until it's too late. I have been trying to make my chores into habits so they aren't so overwhelming, but I just keep failing. It doesn't come naturally to me. The only things I am good at are laundry and meals. Dave is thankful for that, but I just want to be better. This IS my role in life at the moment, and no one is going to help me get things done, it's all up to me. It would be so much easier for me to exist in a communal setting, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen here. I know my heart needs more than this, and that is why it's so hard. There have been other times in my life where I had no problem being neat and clean and organized, despite being busy. But those were also the times in my life that I actually felt like I was living, and loving life (camp, mission trips, college, Australia, etc). I know that it is predominantly a heart issue, and not just a matter of getting things done. Because I KNOW I can get things done. And I do when I need to (like when someone is coming over). My heart just doesn't want to because it is not being filled. I feel like I am constantly putting out with nothing coming back in to refill myself. I am constantly running on empty. I also know that what I really need to fill my heart is God, and nothing else. This has been such a DRY season of my life. I don't get my "alone" time, and have a hard time connecting with God in the midst of that chaos that is my life. That is what I need to learn how to do though... I NEED to learn how to create beauty out of the chaos and find my fulfillment in that. That is my artistic challenge for this season of life.

This was recently written on my friend's blog, and it really spoke to me. (This is just one part of her entry that really spoke to me, although I encourage you to go to her site and read the whole thing):

"Emilie Barnes wrote this:

"A home filled with a welcoming spirit has a sense of order about it. A sense that people not possessions are in charge of the household...that life is proceeding with a purpose and according to an overall plan.

"Most of us respond positively to that kind of order in our lives because we are made in the image of God, and because God organized the whole universe to proceed in an orderly fashion. Think of the creation, when God created a beautiful, populated globe out of darkness and chaos. He is the ultimate organizer and the results of his ordering Spirit are always good. We automatically feel more comfortable and more welcome when we sense his kind of order in our lives.

"In a truly welcoming home, organization takes its proper place in the overall scheme of the universe. The daily chores of maintenance become something we can glory in, partly because they don't overwhelm us or define our whole existence. Don't let this talk of order and organization make you feel guilty or panicked. Even if chaos and clutter in your home and life are wearing you down, the solution is not a whirlwind effort to get organized. Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos-and may drive you and everyone else crazy in the process.

"We humans weren't made to get organized. We were made to live as God's children, worshiping him and delighting in him. As we open our hearts and attitudes to God, putting him first in our lives and looking to him for guidance, he will show us little ways to organize the chaos and lead a more peaceful, ordered existence."

The phrase "Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos" really stands out to me. I know that my problem, and the solution, stems from the state of my heart.

I feel like I really need a break. I need to regroup my thoughts and just get a chance to REST for once. I'm sure it would take WEEKS of rest for me to feel "normal" again. But I can't see that happening any time soon. I feel like I have been in survival mode ever since becoming a mother. So everything but survival has been pushed aside. I seriously have NO idea how to go about making beauty out of chaos. I really don't. But my heart wants to. My email address is actually "peace.in.chaos" and has been that since college. That concept really appeals to me. I think that's why I like flylady, although lately I have been failing there too. I know it's definitely a heart issue. So I guess all I can do right now is pray that God changes my heart. I can't seem to be able to do it on my own.

At Small Group Last Night...

2009-01-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

We were talking about living an intentionally creative lifestyle, and how we can support one another in that. Dave and I have had a hard time being creative lately. For a long time, actually. Both of us really struggle with perfectionism (hello flylady!), which makes it hard for us to do anything since we are so critical of ourselves. But the discussion brought back lots of memories of the different times people have encouraged me, and others of when people (mostly teachers or leaders) really hurt me. I also was reminded of how whenever people that didn't know me prayed over me (mostly in Ottawa and Australia, but also randomly other places), creativity always came up. Seriously, every time. But I haven't really done anything creative. I know part of it is that I am strapped for space and time with the kids, and my brain is functioning on minimum power because I never got to sleep for more than an hour at a time... and I am trying to balance so many responsibilities. But I need to do something. I guess blogging is kind of something. And for some reason I have been really creative with my meals lately. I guess I also do the jewelry-making thing, which is kind of creative, but it's more of a hobby. But those aren't things that really really really capture my heart. What I do enjoy is writing, photography, and music. I'd love to learn more about video too. But how do I pursue any of that when I am always running on empty? Dave feels the same way. We were both feeling really weird and down last night at the meeting, but we did have a good discussion in the van on the way home (the kids fell asleep, so we just stayed in the van for over half an hour once we got home, just talking). Dave is such a talented musician and songwriter (I think he's good at visual arts too, but I haven't really seen any of his art since he quit that before we met), and he got our new computer equipped with good recording software, but he is seriously SO wasted when he comes home from work that he has no energy to be creative. And usually it takes the whole weekend just to recover and get ready to face work the following week. Although he has been getting his guitar out more lately, he just hasn't had time/energy to write/record anything. Oh, and Dave also really wants to make tshirts. He has some fun ideas. And of course he loves graphic and web design.

I think we just feel really stuck. Like, what do we do? Dave HAS to work as much as he does for us to survive here. And he does like his job, he likes the exercise he gets and that he is outside all day, he likes that they respect him, value him and treat him well, and he works with great guys, which is hard to find (not to mention he gets a truck!). And it's important to us that I stay home with the kids. Sooo... we are still trying to figure out what we can do. I start work tomorrow, just 8-10 hours a week from home, but still that will force me to get more organized. So maybe I can organize a way for us to have some personal, creative time. It's so hard though, as any time I have a spare moment, I either do something online (to try and unwind a bit), or do housecleaning. (Isn't it funny that once you become a mom, having an hour free to do housework is EXCITING?!) And I don't think I would be in a mental place to be creative unless I was in a quiet, organized environment. I just need to figure out a better way.

When I was pregnant with Judith in Australia, one of the pastors had a prophetic picture of me and "the baby" (ie Judith) when she was 3 years old doing prophetic art together. I honestly didn't believe her. I've always had a hard time with art. I am absolutely no good at it. And interestingly enough, Judith never liked art either as she grew (she has just never had the attention span to sit and draw/colour/paint/anything that involves sitting or staying in one place for more than 3 seconds). But out of nowhere, literally just since she turned 3, Judith has become infatuated with painting. Especially finger painting, she has made tons of pictures now. Soooo... we'll see what happens!

Then, another one of the pastors in Australia really had an overwhelming word for me about writing. She said she saw me writing children's books. She cried when she said it, and she gives prophetic words all the time, and I don't think I ever saw her cry any other time during the 6 months we were there. I had never ever thought of writing children's books... Dave suggested last night that maybe I should just start writing little books for Judith, so maybe I will. I could let her illustrate. = )

Anyways, there isn't really a huge point to this, I just wanted to write it out. I suppose it does have a lot to do with my spiritual life and journey.

I keep thinking about THIS and how perfect it would be for us. I haven't heard back from them for months though...

My New Buddy: Stepping out in Words of Knowledge

2009-01-18T07:07:00.000-08:00

*This was written by a friend of mine from my church in Australia. It was really encouraging to me, and she gave me permission to share.*

Ever since Phil spoke at Tribe on 4th January 2009, I have been really impacted by the message of going out onto the streets, waiting for words of knowledge for people, and then praying for them. I drew a line in the Spirit in my bedroom one night, which represented me on one side in the place I currently am in my spiritual walk, and the other side represented where I want to be, where my heart is to be in Jesus. Physically, I stepped over that line and I believe there is also spiritual and prophetic power in that, in the sense that I was making a prophetic decree in the Spirit that I was moving into a new place in my walk with God.

This holidays, I have fully put up my hand to be used by Him, desperately crying out to be used out on the streets especially with people who don't know Jesus.

The other night, I was lying in bed, and God told me to go to the Hospital the next day. The impression was very strong, and I could hardly sleep that night, I was so excited at what might happen! As I couldn't sleep, I put my Ipod on, and pressed 'play' on a random teaching, which was all about being bold enough to go to a Hospital, wait on words of knowledge from God, and pray for people! At the end was an impartation for people to go out on the streets, and go into Hospitals and pray for people, so God downloaded that as I lay in bed, engaging!

So, the next afternoon after work I went to the local Hospital (which is directly across the road from where I work) and I sat in the waiting wing of the Hospital, waiting on God. About 10 minutes later, a man walked by in hospital clothes, and disappeared down the hall to his room. As he was walking by, I saw a picture above his head of a pair of very sick lungs, the kind of lungs you see on the front of cigarette packets warning of the dangers of nicotine.

That impression was very strong, so I got up, and walked through the hospital, until I found him in his room. I poked my head in, saying 'Hello', and then... 'This might sound like a strange question, but is there something wrong with your lungs?'

His back was towards me on the bed, and as he turned around, I saw he was holding a breathing apparatus in his mouth, designed to train sick lungs to breathe properly again. Removing his mask, he said, 'Yes, I have severe emphysema'.

We introduced ourselves, and I sat down, and I shared the picture I saw of the lungs on the cigarette pack I had seen in the Spirit.

(His name is Buddy Jackson) said, 'Yeah, that's MY lungs, mate'. Buddy has been smoking since forever, which has caused severe emphysema.

For the next half hour, Buddy shared a quick summary of his life story, and he cried throughout most of the re-telling.

Towards the end, I asked Buddy if I could pray for him, and pray in particular for his lungs. I explained to him what words of knowledge are, and how I had been waiting in the waiting room for God to give me a picture for somebody, to show that He was real, and said because God had led me here, I thought He would also want to relieve the pain in Buddy's chest, if not heal the emphysema altogether.

I prayed for Buddy, and God's presence came in beautifully, and sweetly, and some of Buddy's pain was taken away. He could really feel a sense of kindness and love in the room, and I told him it was Jesus. We hugged and after promising to return the next day to pray for him again, I left Buddy in the Hospital room as he was crying out, "I love Jesus!", loud enough that the nurses could hear.

I seriously walked out of the Hospital as if I were walking on clouds... even though its a cliche term, maybe that's one aspect of what Heaven invading Earth feels like, huh?

I told Phil about what happened at the Hospital, and I love his reply. He texted back, 'Keep going for it as there is more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more...'

Even though I personally felt full, filled up and brimming and overflowing and having encountered the prophetic in a new way in my personal walk, I know God is saying there are countless more experiences like this to be had in the Spirit if we are only obedient to His Call, believe in what He is saying, and lay down our lives.

The only reason I want to have words of knowledge and grow in supernatural healing and go out and do evangelism on the streets, is to bring people who haven't felt His kindness and His love into an encounter WITH that kindness, and WITH that love... its a pretty pure motive that I know God honours.

In the Secret Place, I stepped over a line that prophetically decreed moving from one place into another, and I am so excited about what that looks like... I've only had a taste, but been greatly encouraged.

Our boldness alone, when we believe God for miracles, even when we aren't 100% right when we do step out, can in its own small way help change the atmosphere for Jesus, and help change our town. Anyway, God is faithful to give us secrets to people's hearts when we show ourselves faithful to make space in our own lives for Him to do just that.

What a fun ride and it's going to be interesting to see what happens this year.

Fire in Jesus,

Jules x

Come and See

2009-01-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

I love the reoccurring phrase in the book of John - "Come and See". It's like, the Kingdom of God is something that you just have to experience to know. Following Christ is a journey that is lived, not some form of knowledge that can be explained. This excites me very much.

Those Little Coincedences...

2009-01-04T12:10:00.000-08:00

Every so often something happens that is just a little reminder that God loves me.

I ordered some leg warmers (think BabyLegs) for the kids just before Christmas. I've wanted some for a while from a specific seller on etsy.com, but never got around to choosing which styles and actually purchasing them. Then, in December I noticed the seller had a sale on where I could get 5 pairs for $34, and also because it was the sellers 2nd anniversary month she would throw in an extra pair of her choice for free. This was a good deal because they are normally $8/pr at her etsy store, or $16/pr for the actual BabyLegs brand in retail stores. So I used part of the Christmas budget and bought some. I went through and picked 5 styles that I liked, but there was one pair that I really liked a few months before when I was looking, called "cafe latte", and I couldn't find it anywhere (there are over 400 styles to choose from!). I was bummed, but excited at the good deal I was getting anyway.

So, my shipment arrived on Christmas Eve. I excitedly opened the package to inspect my new goodies. And, can you guess what pair the seller chose, completely randomly out of 400+ possible styles, to give as my free pair? Yep, the cafe latte ones! I almost cried I was so happy. It was like God's gift to me.

Christmas isn't that big of a deal to me, really being a pagan holiday and all, but I do appreciate when God does something little to remind me that He loves me.

Spiritual Growth

2008-11-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

Being a follower of Jesus can be a daunting task these days. There are so many denominations and theologies and different streams out there. But how does one truly grow in their spiritual walk?

I was raised in a Christian home, went to church, went to Sunday school and vacation Bible school, went to camp, went on mission trips, went to conferences and big Christian events, went to Bible college, the whole nine yards. I have been Baptist, Mennonite Brethren, Pentecostal, Vineyard and Calvary Chapel. I have seen and experienced a vast array of the Christian world.

To be perfectly honest, much of my Christian "education" was kind of pointless. I wonder how many sermons, classes and seminars I have been subjected to? I'm sure if I had the actual number it would be large. But how much of it do I remember? And of what I remember, how much has actually affected my life? How much did God actually speak to me through?

I can think of only a handful of times...

On the other hand, God has done some very incredible things in my life through.... life.

When I was working at camp for 5 summers I grew exponentially. Not because of any of the chapel times, but because of every day life there. Through interactions with the leaders and other counselors, and especially the kids. My own personal quiet times there were also intense. There is just something about living in community and serving God with my every day life that fosters spiritual growth like nothing else.

Mission trips were very fertile places of spiritual growth for me too. Again, I was living with others on a similar journey, and was walking out my faith every day. Sometimes an overly structured program and goals that don't always line up with God wants in a situation can limit the possibilities for growth on a trip though. But just stepping away from your "own" life to help someone else, talk about your faith, and/or experience a different culture, this can teach you much more than you could ever learn from a book or teaching.

In Australia, the school we went to taught classes obviously, but we lived out what we learned in the lectures every day through living in community with our classmates, and serving others. God taught us so much while we were living there, and we experienced a lot of healing. It would not have been nearly as effective if it had merely been lectures.

Most of my spiritual growth, however, has come though my every day life. Relationships I have teach me about myself, about life, and also about God. I see God working in obvious, as well as unlikely places. I will be simply walking down the street and God will direct my attention to something and will speak a profound truth into my heart through that. He will show me something I need to work on through an experience with my children. I will learn new depths of love through my marriage. I can see the beauty of grace through my friendships. I feel God's heart when I show love to a stranger. Life speaks to us in the language of the spirit, and through living we are able to really accept and know what God is trying to teach us.

I think in our culture today, we have become so cerebrally-focused that it greatly impedes any kind of real spiritual growth. We listen to a weekly sermon, go to an occasional conference, and if we feel "called" to serve God, we go to Bible college. But none of that can properly teach us what it really means to be a follower of Christ. Being a Christian is not a passive thing. Our culture is structured so that we are always merely a passive audience. It keeps us confined to what we are fed through the various systems we have created. It leaves very little room for anything substantial. Some people are able to push past it and actually get out there and live life for God, but it's really hard.

The early church existed and grew spiritually through living together and living out their faith every day. Doing things like taking care of orphans and widows (a repeating theme throughout the Bible), sharing everything they had amongst themselves, eating together, meeting together in homes to share what God had been teaching them individually in order to edify one another (everyone participated), hosting and supporting apostles, praying together and for one another, singing together, encouraging one another, mentoring younger ones, and just being obedient to whatever God was leading them to do. I'm sure it was messy and not easy, but that is what fosters spiritual growth and maturity.

I have been on both the intellectual and experiential side of the Christian life coin, and I can attest that pursuing God on merely an intellectual level is detrimental spiritually. Most Bible college students know what I am talking about. It is obviously good to study and learn, but it is dangerous to put your faith in theology and doctrine and even the Bible itself, rather than Jesus the person. It is also fruitless to passively follow a human leader. It is good to work together, obviously, and leaders will often emerge, but it is important that every single person keeps Christ and Christ alone as the Head. That every single person thinks and seeks God themselves and brings what God teaches and reveals to them to the community. There is enormous potential for growth in a situation like this. When you see how God works through each individual to build up the group, and how everything always works together perfectly, it is amazing. We can grow not only through our own experiences, but also through the experiences of those we love when we are doing life together.

When we break down all of the impersonal leadership hierarchies and traditional doctrines and allow Jesus to lead freely, it is much easier to follow Him. And when we have the opportunity to follow Jesus as a community, incredible things happen. You are able to learn things deeply in your heart as God reveals them to you, and it is not a mere passing thought, but a profound truth that can change your life.

Living in community is also very messy. I think this is why we always create structure and programs, to replace the relationships. Relationships take a lot of hard work and often involve a lot of pain, which are things that we don't like in this day and age. When we isolate ourselves we can avoid having others see us for who we truly are, and therefore feel "safe". But then we end up feeling alone, as there seems to be this innate need to connect with people. So we create new ways to connect, such as the internet, where we are able to only project what we want to.

Living face to face in community with others is not "safe". It is not easy. Others get to see you at your worst, at your most vulnerable. I personally have a very difficult time with this, as I am totally introverted and have a hard enough time accepting my own problems, let alone allowing someone else to see them. But if I were to have it my way, and have no one ever know about my problems and weaknesses, then I would never be free from them. The thing about letting others into your life and allowing them to see your garbage, is that it forces you to deal with it. But then you also have someone to help you, and we seem to forget that part in our preoccupation with keeping ourselves "safe". The only time I have ever grown personally and have been able to deal with my issues has been in relationship with others. Every time I have lived in a communal setting I have experienced drastic inner healing. It was rough at the time, but so worth it in the end. I also believe that character is only developed through our relationships with others, and the closer we live in proximity to each other, the better lessons are learned. It is how we learn who we really are. That is why we are born into families, and not left to fend for ourselves at birth. Even biologically we NEED relationships for our brains to develop properly. Children who do not have warm relationships with their parents suffer developmentally, and I think this is true as well applied to life in general. If we want to be mature people, and grow spiritually, we need to do so in close relationship with one another.

Based on my life experience, and what I have learned from the Bible, I believe that one can only truly grow spiritually through having a direct relationship with Jesus Christ (that is not hijacked by structured church leadership), and living out one's faith in a communal setting. One can only find out what is real and true when one acts out on it. I don't believe that a private, individual faith, based on academic or intellectual pursuits, can result in any real spiritual growth.

My Thoughts Tonight on "Church"

2008-11-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

My journey lately has led me to see that so much of what the church wants me to believe about God is not true. It is all simply about controlling people, which I am not interested in. I am totally done with religious practices and dogmas. I have no need for empty rituals, guilt, and manipulation. I am not interested in learning ways to become a better person, that's not what Jesus is about. I don't have the time to go off on false doctrines based on obscure scriptures. I am weary of clergy and the existence of hierarchal church leadership. They are not God, and they do not deserve my money. So much of what I was raised to believe about God and the Church is being torn down, and the Light is starting to shine through. It is scary, but incredibly liberating. Those who are not on this same journey probably could not understand.

From now on, there are no more denominations, no more mandatory Sunday mornings, no more detrimental authority figures for me. There is no more condemnation, no more confusion, no more charades. I am leaving this all behind for real life. I am taking Jesus at His word and will not let any person control me. I am trusting that God will bring the right people along to be the Church with me. Yes, it is all about trust. Trusting God, and not constructing any kind of organization or safeguard. Letting go of all of the products of man. I need something real, and organic, and Spirit-led.

I want Christ, and only Christ, to be the leader. I know He will always bring people along to help me grow and pour into me and provide direction for a season, just as He will use me for these same things for other people at times. But Christ will be the Head, and we will be the Body. We are all priests unto God through Christ, no one is higher than the other. Scripture is pretty clear about that. So I am not going to let any human control me. I know I can't do it on my own, and I desperately need a family of believers around me, but most "churches" today are organized by a hierarchy which is completely against what the Bible teaches. Sure, some people will be more mature and wise than others and will be able to oversee things, but I don't think it's beneficial to give titles and offices to create divisions such as "clergy" and "laypeople". If everyone were just to listen to what the Spirit is saying and work together, or better yet completely do life together, needs would be met and spiritual gifts would flourish, and there would be no need for any type of authority structure. This scares people, but it is how the original Church functioned.

It is possible that some day I will again be a part of a "church" group that is part of a particular denomination, I don't know where God will lead me, but I myself can never subscribe to one specific denomination's doctrine. I will not be subject to, or bound by, denomination. God is bigger than that. I am tired of blindly following ungodly practices and holding doctrinal beliefs constructed by man.

This also doesn't mean that God won't lead me to a group of believers that meet at a "church", but rather that Church is all about the community, the people, the small pieces of my beloved Christ upon this earth. It would probably be beneficial not to meet in a traditional church building, I believe, just for the psychology of it. I don't want my relationship with God to be passive and dictated by a human. And I don't want to get used to having to go to a specific location to learn about God or experience His presence. God is obviously able to work in any situation, any location, through anyone, and despite all of our shortcomings. But I would rather do away with all of the distractions and meaningless things, and just let God be God on His terms. I would rather allow God to be part of my every day life. I want to be open to seeing God move in ways I never would have expected. I want to live in a community that goes about our everyday lives together, and in communion with God. I want the Church to exist everywhere outside of "church". Forget about "church". People only grow spiritually by living it out, and I think we can only successfully live it out together, and under the sole headship of Jesus Christ.

So lets cut out all the junk. I want to let God rule over every aspect of my life. I don't want to waste my time with empty religion. I am done with the lies, and am ready to embark on a scary journey into the unknown. I know God is with me, and He will bring a community around me. A lot of Christians will not like me or agree with me, but I will learn to live with it. I will see and experience amazing things, and endure crushing hardships. But if I live my life for Jesus, it will not have been lived in vain, or alone. I will know true love and joy. I will see reality for what it is. This excites me very, very much.

Deliverance

2008-11-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

Last night I experienced an impromptu deliverance session initiated by the Holy Spirit. I discovered out of nowhere, with God's help, that I seek after my identity not from Christ, but from another prominent person in my life. Forgive my vagueness as far as details go, but please respect that I choose not to reveal them. The Holy Spirit led me to repent and break off the unhealthy ties in the spirit with this person, and a pretty significant demonic influence was removed. It was pretty intense. God showed me things, and Dave as well, and it flowed beautifully. So much more was accomplished this way than if a person had been leading it, and in much less time. I learned a great deal about myself and why certain things are the way they are, and why I react certain ways and feel certain things. I was able to renounce and break off many unhealthy things that plagued my life. It almost felt like a "salvation" experience. I am interested to see how this will effect my life and thought patterns in the long run.

The best part was that it was totally God. I didn't expect this to happen, nor did I pursue it. I couldn't have come up with this on my own. We didn't follow any kind of form. But at the same time it answered SO many of my recent prayers. God is so amazing. He is my Healer and Deliverer!

I have encountered and experienced various forms of "deliverance" from a variety of Christian denominations and streams. Everyone has their own form, and often it is claimed as the "true" or "real" or "best" way. God has definitely touched and healed me in many ways, through many forms, and despite many self-promoting leaders and empty programs. However, I have found through the years that God is not bound to anyone's form, and doesn't follow any man's rules, although sometimes He will work despite them. People seem to often be searching for specific processes when, in fact, that's not what God is all about. Trying to do a certain practice to achieve a spiritual outcome is witchcraft. I wish that we as Christians would stop looking to forms and patterns, and just simply seek God in everything. With no stipulations to limit what God can do.

We need to just step back and let God be God, and simply trust Him.

I Can Do All Things...

2008-11-12T00:17:00.000-08:00

Philippians 4:4-20: I have read that passage several times before, and undoubtedly have heard many sermons preached on it. But I noticed something different this time.

Philippians 4:13 is often used by contemporary Christians as a kind of self-empowering mantra. It makes me think of those cheesy posters for sale at Christian book stores. But hearing this passage recently made me realize that this is not what it is intending at all. Paul is talking about being able to endure suffering, as well as enjoy the times of plenty. That is the "all things" he speaks of. It is, in reality, a very humbling statement. I think what he means, based on the context, is that he can "accept" all things. Good and bad. It is not about being able to achieve greatness, but face and delight in the journey that God has you on.

Philippians 4 (KJV):

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Greetings

2008-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

I have some thoughts bouncing around in my head that need to be released somewhere. I'm not sure what this blog will turn into, but I guess we'll see.