Ink

So last night, as I was barely maintaining consciousness trying to write up my grocery list, Dave decided to watch the movie Ink. His friend recommended it. It's an indie scifi/fantasy (but doesn't totally fit that category, imo), and I don't like those genres, but this movie was AMAZING! Any one who has any knowledge of spiritual things will really enjoy it, I think. Or even if not, it's a good movie. I'm not a big movie person, and I was SO tired, but the movie completely captivated me! It's low-budget, but done well considering that. It's not scary, but the imagery is definitely not child friendly. So I ended up getting hooked and watching the whole thing with Dave, and so we were up until 2am! Yeah, I'm really tired today. But it was worth it.

So, check it out: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1071804/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1216924-ink/

http://www.doubleedgefilms.com/

http://www.jaminwinans.com/

Don't watch the trailer around the kiddos.



You could pick at the theology, but just watch it for what it is.

New Year

I always do a lot of reflecting this time of year. 2009 was a great year. I started out struggling with depression and exhaustion thanks to my thyroid, but that went away when I got pregnant in March, and I have felt so great since then! Life has been hard, being busy with 2 active little kids and a baby on the way, but we did A LOT and had a ton of fun. I really learned how to go with the flow and not stress so much. When we moved to our new house in October, it felt like a huge burden lifted off me. I feel like the move symbolizes a "move" spiritually into a new season. I'm so much more optimistic and excited about life. I'm a lot less stressed and anxious. Our old basement suite symbolized a "cave" to us, and it absolutely was a wilderness time. Now I feel like a "real" person, and an adult. I gave birth to Ruthie at the beginning of December, at home. It was the most wonderful experience! I felt safe and in control the entire time, and it left me feeling so confident and empowered! I feel like there's nothing I can't do. I am also starting to be able to stand up for myself more. It's something I still struggle with, but I've come a long way in this past year.

I feel much closer to God since my home birth experience as well. He was so close to me the whole time. A week and a half after the birth we were at Dave's work Christmas party, and a guy came up to me and said that he really felt that God wanted to tell me He loved me, and He was proud of me. A simple word, that I've got many times before. But in the past, for some reason, that word always made me cry. It was like I didn't really believe it, didn't know it to be true. I guess I didn't really know how to be loved, or felt like I didn't deserve it or something. But this time was different. I was able to receive the word, and I believed it. I've come a long way!

I don't know what 2010 holds for me, I know it will be busy with the kids, but I hope that I will be able to move forward again spiritually. The years in our old place felt so stagnant. It was like we were caught in a holding pattern or stuck in transition. I feel like something has shifted now, though. I'm looking forward to see what this year holds, and will hopefully have the discipline to keep pushing for more.

Moving, Maybe?

Lately my life has been consumed with the possibility of moving to a new house. It has been difficult, as everything in our price range hasn't quite been able to meet our needs. Although we really do need to find something, we are quickly outgrowing this tiny apartment. I have an overwhelming urge to nest, but I have been resisting because I don't know whether to start organizing everything here, or packing things away in boxes. This limbo phase is killing me! We went and looked at a home last night that is perfect, and that we should be able to afford. I filled out the application, and will find out Tuesday if we got the house or not. There are several applicants. I'm hoping and praying that the landlords choose us! It would make our lives so much better.

This whole ordeal has brought up so many things in my mind and heart though. Like, what are we doing as a family? What are our plans and goals? Everything has changed so much since we had kids, and everything is so much more complicated. But it's also wonderfully better. My heart desperately wants to be that family that travels the world and does missions together. Or something. Living the "normal" life is leaving me restless, and my soul is longing for something more. I don't want to move to a house, I want to live on a bus and travel, or hop on a plane and see where we end up. The kids are excellent travelers and love adventures. They are happier and better behaved when we are traveling than when we are just home all day. They have never been the type that needs to be on a strict schedule, they are very flexible and able to go with the flow. But there's a problem. Our finances (or lack thereof) keeps us from being able to do anything but survive. That is God's way of making us stay put. I know that if God had something amazing lined up for us, the money would be there to do it. He has proven that to us over and over. We have also been given no clear direction. I often wonder if we missed the boat somewhere, and now we are just left adrift in the big sea of life. I wonder if all of the exciting opportunities we used to have are long gone. God isn't speaking new things to me all the time anymore, I more often than not just get silence. But I wonder if that's because I've been too busy, preoccupied and distracted by life to really spend any decent time in prayer. I know I need to get more organized in my life and with my time, but I just keep failing. I really need something new. Some kind of motivation that isn't guilt-ridden, and works. Something to lift me up before this baby comes and my life is turned upside down yet again.

I was talking to my former boss at the annual fundraiser earlier this week. She is the most humble woman ever, and basically everything she has ever said to me was straight from God. She was asking how I was doing, and I told her that it was hard "just" being a mom (I officially stopped working for them in August). That there is so much in my heart that I long to do, and it's really hard not being able to do any of it. She told me that right now my ministry and mission field is my family and my home. Now, I KNOW that. I know it deep in my heart, and my husband and children DO mean more to me that anything, and I want to serve them well. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am very passionate and serious about my parenting. I get a great deal of satisfaction from presenting my husband with a hot, healthy, home made meal when he comes home from work. I could be a little more diligent with the house work... but in our tiny apartment, the kids and I are a lot happier if we just go out every day instead. I do spend more time online than I should, I'm pretty sure, but that is because I get absolutely NO alone time all day, and when I am home, the small, cramped, cluttery space makes me anxious, so I just come here to escape. My only current creative outlets are writing, photography, and cooking, and all of those require time spent starting at this machine. The internet is also my only real source of community, which I so desperately need right now. Sorry, that was totally a tangent, but it's just to let you know where I'm coming from.

Anyways, when my former boss was talking to me, I started crying. In front of everyone, in the middle of the large dining hall, just before the event was to begin. I don't know why it hit me so hard. Probably because I know it's true, but I also feel so helpless. I feel like I have absolutely no resources to pull from and I'm running on empty all the time. It's not just because I'm run ragged being a mom (which I kind of am, but I can deal with that), it's just that my heart is not being fulfilled by it. I know that being a mom IS the most important thing I will ever do, so I don't know why it doesn't seem like enough. I read several blogs written by moms who are completely satisfied with their role, and are so amazing and inspiring to me. I do want that. But my heart keeps screaming at me that this is not it. That there is more. And I can't seem to figure it out.

I know that my personal fulfillment should come solely from God. Yes, I do know that. I don't have the time that I used to though, to just spend alone with Him. My prayers are usually desperate, but selfish. My relationship with God, just as my entire life at the moment, is based on mere survival. I know I would benefit a lot from making time for prayer in my day, but it's easier said than done, and would most likely require some help from other people, which I don't have at the moment. I know that I need to do something about it, ME and no one else, but I don't know what or how. I just feel stuck, and when I try and think about it, I just get distracted by some other thing or person that needs me.

This is all pointless rambling, I know. My time would probably be better used washing dishes or sweeping up. But I need to get it out. I hope that we do get this house that we want, because at least it would make the superficial aspects of my life easier, so maybe I could focus on the more profound better. If this season of my life is just about birthing and raising my young children, then I at least want a decent place to do that. I feel so selfish saying that, but maybe it's true.

Interesting Documentary

I would love to part of something like this. I wonder how it would work with kids?

'Our House' movie trailer from Greg King on Vimeo.

Reeeeeally Random Thoughts

(This started out as a comment on Jade's post about becoming a stay-at-home mom, and then partially fueled by Lindsay's comment to said post. Sorry that it is completely all over the place, but sometimes I like to let my thoughts ramble, and then share them with the world.)

Honestly, I think staying home IS way harder! It's not really the work itself, because that is pretty straightforward, that is if you actually get a chance to do it. But for me it's all of the mental and emotional workload, and lack of rest. I'm sure there are a lot of moms that slack off and watch tv, but honestly I don't have time for that. Maybe it's because I have no family or support out here, and my husband works 12 hours a day, and just wants to sit at the computer when he gets home. So I literally am completely on my own. I also go out at least 6 days a week with the kids, that takes a lot of energy too. Throw in some postpartum depression, thyroid issues and pregnancy here and there, and it's pretty rough. Plus Judith can't seem to do anything (play, eat, sleep) by herself, even though she is so social and outgoing and independent (as in, she doesn't let me help with anything, but I just have to be there. She even asks me to come watch her pee, but I'm not allowed to "help"), I have to be with her 24/7. Gideon will at least play by himself for a while here and there so I can do things. When I was working (while pregnant with Gideon), it was suuuuuch a break to go to work! I was also able to keep my house in better order when I was working, because someone else was here all day taking care of the kids, so I actually had energy when I came home from work. Even though it was hard work for me, it was nothing compared to being at home. The thing about work is, you get to go home. You get to leave it behind at the end of the day, and mentally unwind. I never get to mentally unwind. I am always on the job (even this comment is taking forever because I can't just sit and type it in peace, or in one sitting). I think most moms do make time for themselves, and that's important, I just don't really have the opportunity. And I don't even know what I would do with myself if I did have an hour or two. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of alone time to be able to cope with life, but that's just not an option these days. What I liked about working too was that I could actually be myself for once. I was actually an adult human being that was respected for who I am and what I do, and got to interact with other adults on an adult level. Even when I worked jobs I didn't like, at least I felt like a person. At home, half the time I feel like a robot zombie, and the other half I feel like a kid myself (but not always in a good way). I feel like everything I do is not noticed or appreciated, and it's hard to get the motivation to carry on sometimes. I know that most moms can probably stand up for themselves better, but I don't think it would make a difference. If I say anything to Dave he just goes on about how hard he works, and he's right. He does work more than most husbands. I can't expect anything of him, and honestly I do enjoy taking care of him and serving him amazing food when he gets home from work. I honestly do find a lot of satisfaction in that, even if it gets monotonous.

I think the biggest thing for us is that this is never the life we wanted. Not that we don't want to have a (big) family, we do, and Dave wants to support us financially and I want to be the stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. But this current arrangement just isn't it. We are both seriously burnt out. But we are stuck and don't really have other options at the moment (due to finances). Our hearts and spirits are not being fed, which makes all the difference. It's not that having a family is not good enough, but it's just that we know there is more to our calling than this. And it's so hard being bombarded with all of the everyday tasks, and not even getting those done, let alone do anything external of our family. I want to be the family that travels and does missions and is really tight and just "different". Living in suburbia just surviving day to day kills me. I am so not cut out for this. I could do 10x the physical work I'm doing now, if I just had an outlet to mentally and emotionally unwind, and if I had a community to fill me spiritually.

I'm not saying I rely on other people to feed me, I obviously don't or I would be dead now. I do have my own life with God and that is seriously the ONLY thing that is sustaining me, but that community aspect is so essential, at least for us. We have tried different churches and made friends, but they are all so superficial. We need people that are deep and raw and not afraid to challenge things, and not get offended when we challenge them. You can't just go out and "make" friends like that, you can only really make acquaintances, and whether you click or not isn't something you can control. We have made lots of beautiful and wonderful friends, they just live far away. We need people that we can LIVE with. No one seems up for that here, everyone likes their cozy little lives tucked away in their comfortable homes. They raise their kids, go to church, have their friends, and live their happy lives. Ugh, that is so not me! I need to actually DO something. Living the status quo does not seem worth it to me. That's probably why I have such a hard time with the housewife thing. It's not that I don't want to do it, that I can't do it, and that I don't enjoy being at home with my kids (I do, and wouldn't have it any other way), it's just that when this is all there is, why bother? That sounds so horrible, and everyone pulls the guilt thing and says "Oh, aren't your kids good enough?" Yes, of course they are. But honestly, they are not benefiting from this life either. They deserve better. They are destined for more than this too. This lifestyle is hurting us all. I'm not saying we have to pack up and move to Africa to be missionaries (although we would in a second!), we could stay here in this city the rest of our lives. I don't really care. I just need community. Even if we were never involved with "ministry" again, living with other people just changes that dynamic of life, and makes it more worthwhile. It makes us vulnerable and forces us to deal with our crap and grow. It teaches us what God and the Bible are really all about. There are so many truths and life lessons that we miss out on when we never venture out of our safe little family bubble. And THAT is what's killing me. It's not the dishes, it's not my floors, it's not my incessant children. It's just my heart longing for something more, something that I am called to, but am lacking in.

And I can't just go out and fix it. That's what is frustrating. You can't just grab a bunch of random people and expect to live together and make it work. It has to be a God thing. You all have to want the same thing (God) and not be afraid to get messy in the process. Those people are hard to find here these days. I've contemplated putting an add on kijiji, lol. Community living would solve some of our other problems too, like being able to save money through sharing living expenses (so Dave wouldn't have to work so much and he could actually be more present with us at home), and maybe someone there would be willing to watch the kids once in a while so I could actually read my Bible in peace, nap, or go on a date with Dave. Is that too much to ask? We are honestly just better people when we live in community. We've done it before. We aren't really the "go out" kind of social people, we would rather socialize in every day life. Like around the dinner table, doing dishes together (which we can't even do in our current place because the kitchen only fits 1 person), or while discussing how much we hate each other (in love, of course, we've done that before too but it's always good in the end). I'm just soooo done with this way of life. Maybe I am just a hippie, but honestly I think this is how Christian life is meant to be. Not your happy little life over there, and my happy little life over here. Because, really, mine is not happy. Is yours really happy? Good for you if it is. I bet most people's are, honestly, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to find people with the same heart.

Anyways, this has taken forever, and Judith is currently climbing all over me asking for a turkey sandwich, and Gideon is crying at my feet wanting some boobie and a nap I suspect. So I will stop it here. Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't have the time to edit it. But maybe there is someone else out there who is feeling the same way...

A Four-Fold Franciscan Blessing

(I stole this from the lovely Amy. This prayer really speaks to me, I may have to print it and put it on my wall. It really conveys the heart of both Dave and I.)

May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide,
be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.

AMEN

So It's Been a While

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I guess I have just been in a weird place lately. I am trying to figure some things out for my life, mostly where I belong. I feel totally homesick, but I'm not sure for where. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. It just seems like somewhere along the line I fell off the wagon, and have just been camping out in the wilderness ever since. Although, I have this sense that it's not a bad thing... I don't know. I am learning so much in this dry season, but it has been hard, and very lonely. I feel like this is where God has me right now. I don't feel abandoned at all. But I am starting to reassess everything. I have been given a chance to reflect on the past 5.5 years, and gain some clarity. At the same time I do honestly feel spiritually dehydrated. I'm not sure what to do or where to go, and God is not giving me any clear answers about that right now.

So I guess all I can do is continue on, pray, and listen. I know that God will speak when the timing is right.