Posts
Lately my life has been consumed with the possibility of moving to a new house. It has been difficult, as everything in our price range hasn't quite been able to meet our needs. Although we really do need to find something, we are quickly outgrowing this tiny apartment. I have an overwhelming urge to nest, but I have been resisting because I don't know whether to start organizing everything here, or packing things away in boxes. This limbo phase is killing me! We went and looked at a home last night that is perfect, and that we should be able to afford. I filled out the application, and will find out Tuesday if we got the house or not. There are several applicants. I'm hoping and praying that the landlords choose us! It would make our lives so much better.
This whole ordeal has brought up so many things in my mind and heart though. Like, what are we doing as a family? What are our plans and goals? Everything has changed so much since we had kids, and everything is so much more complicated. But it's also wonderfully better. My heart desperately wants to be that family that travels the world and does missions together. Or something. Living the "normal" life is leaving me restless, and my soul is longing for something more. I don't want to move to a house, I want to live on a bus and travel, or hop on a plane and see where we end up. The kids are excellent travelers and love adventures. They are happier and better behaved when we are traveling than when we are just home all day. They have never been the type that needs to be on a strict schedule, they are very flexible and able to go with the flow. But there's a problem. Our finances (or lack thereof) keeps us from being able to do anything but survive. That is God's way of making us stay put. I know that if God had something amazing lined up for us, the money would be there to do it. He has proven that to us over and over. We have also been given no clear direction. I often wonder if we missed the boat somewhere, and now we are just left adrift in the big sea of life. I wonder if all of the exciting opportunities we used to have are long gone. God isn't speaking new things to me all the time anymore, I more often than not just get silence. But I wonder if that's because I've been too busy, preoccupied and distracted by life to really spend any decent time in prayer. I know I need to get more organized in my life and with my time, but I just keep failing. I really need something new. Some kind of motivation that isn't guilt-ridden, and works. Something to lift me up before this baby comes and my life is turned upside down yet again.
I was talking to my former boss at the annual fundraiser earlier this week. She is the most humble woman ever, and basically everything she has ever said to me was straight from God. She was asking how I was doing, and I told her that it was hard "just" being a mom (I officially stopped working for them in August). That there is so much in my heart that I long to do, and it's really hard not being able to do any of it. She told me that right now my ministry and mission field is my family and my home. Now, I KNOW that. I know it deep in my heart, and my husband and children DO mean more to me that anything, and I want to serve them well. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am very passionate and serious about my parenting. I get a great deal of satisfaction from presenting my husband with a hot, healthy, home made meal when he comes home from work. I could be a little more diligent with the house work... but in our tiny apartment, the kids and I are a lot happier if we just go out every day instead. I do spend more time online than I should, I'm pretty sure, but that is because I get absolutely NO alone time all day, and when I am home, the small, cramped, cluttery space makes me anxious, so I just come here to escape. My only current creative outlets are writing, photography, and cooking, and all of those require time spent starting at this machine. The internet is also my only real source of community, which I so desperately need right now. Sorry, that was totally a tangent, but it's just to let you know where I'm coming from.
Anyways, when my former boss was talking to me, I started crying. In front of everyone, in the middle of the large dining hall, just before the event was to begin. I don't know why it hit me so hard. Probably because I know it's true, but I also feel so helpless. I feel like I have absolutely no resources to pull from and I'm running on empty all the time. It's not just because I'm run ragged being a mom (which I kind of am, but I can deal with that), it's just that my heart is not being fulfilled by it. I know that being a mom IS the most important thing I will ever do, so I don't know why it doesn't seem like enough. I read several blogs written by moms who are completely satisfied with their role, and are so amazing and inspiring to me. I do want that. But my heart keeps screaming at me that this is not it. That there is more. And I can't seem to figure it out.
I know that my personal fulfillment should come solely from God. Yes, I do know that. I don't have the time that I used to though, to just spend alone with Him. My prayers are usually desperate, but selfish. My relationship with God, just as my entire life at the moment, is based on mere survival. I know I would benefit a lot from making time for prayer in my day, but it's easier said than done, and would most likely require some help from other people, which I don't have at the moment. I know that I need to do something about it, ME and no one else, but I don't know what or how. I just feel stuck, and when I try and think about it, I just get distracted by some other thing or person that needs me.
This is all pointless rambling, I know. My time would probably be better used washing dishes or sweeping up. But I need to get it out. I hope that we do get this house that we want, because at least it would make the superficial aspects of my life easier, so maybe I could focus on the more profound better. If this season of my life is just about birthing and raising my young children, then I at least want a decent place to do that. I feel so selfish saying that, but maybe it's true.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Interesting Documentary
I would love to part of something like this. I wonder how it would work with kids?
'Our House' movie trailer from Greg King on Vimeo.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Reeeeeally Random Thoughts
(This started out as a comment on Jade's post about becoming a stay-at-home mom, and then partially fueled by Lindsay's comment to said post. Sorry that it is completely all over the place, but sometimes I like to let my thoughts ramble, and then share them with the world.)
Honestly, I think staying home IS way harder! It's not really the work itself, because that is pretty straightforward, that is if you actually get a chance to do it. But for me it's all of the mental and emotional workload, and lack of rest. I'm sure there are a lot of moms that slack off and watch tv, but honestly I don't have time for that. Maybe it's because I have no family or support out here, and my husband works 12 hours a day, and just wants to sit at the computer when he gets home. So I literally am completely on my own. I also go out at least 6 days a week with the kids, that takes a lot of energy too. Throw in some postpartum depression, thyroid issues and pregnancy here and there, and it's pretty rough. Plus Judith can't seem to do anything (play, eat, sleep) by herself, even though she is so social and outgoing and independent (as in, she doesn't let me help with anything, but I just have to be there. She even asks me to come watch her pee, but I'm not allowed to "help"), I have to be with her 24/7. Gideon will at least play by himself for a while here and there so I can do things. When I was working (while pregnant with Gideon), it was suuuuuch a break to go to work! I was also able to keep my house in better order when I was working, because someone else was here all day taking care of the kids, so I actually had energy when I came home from work. Even though it was hard work for me, it was nothing compared to being at home. The thing about work is, you get to go home. You get to leave it behind at the end of the day, and mentally unwind. I never get to mentally unwind. I am always on the job (even this comment is taking forever because I can't just sit and type it in peace, or in one sitting). I think most moms do make time for themselves, and that's important, I just don't really have the opportunity. And I don't even know what I would do with myself if I did have an hour or two. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of alone time to be able to cope with life, but that's just not an option these days. What I liked about working too was that I could actually be myself for once. I was actually an adult human being that was respected for who I am and what I do, and got to interact with other adults on an adult level. Even when I worked jobs I didn't like, at least I felt like a person. At home, half the time I feel like a robot zombie, and the other half I feel like a kid myself (but not always in a good way). I feel like everything I do is not noticed or appreciated, and it's hard to get the motivation to carry on sometimes. I know that most moms can probably stand up for themselves better, but I don't think it would make a difference. If I say anything to Dave he just goes on about how hard he works, and he's right. He does work more than most husbands. I can't expect anything of him, and honestly I do enjoy taking care of him and serving him amazing food when he gets home from work. I honestly do find a lot of satisfaction in that, even if it gets monotonous.
I think the biggest thing for us is that this is never the life we wanted. Not that we don't want to have a (big) family, we do, and Dave wants to support us financially and I want to be the stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. But this current arrangement just isn't it. We are both seriously burnt out. But we are stuck and don't really have other options at the moment (due to finances). Our hearts and spirits are not being fed, which makes all the difference. It's not that having a family is not good enough, but it's just that we know there is more to our calling than this. And it's so hard being bombarded with all of the everyday tasks, and not even getting those done, let alone do anything external of our family. I want to be the family that travels and does missions and is really tight and just "different". Living in suburbia just surviving day to day kills me. I am so not cut out for this. I could do 10x the physical work I'm doing now, if I just had an outlet to mentally and emotionally unwind, and if I had a community to fill me spiritually.
I'm not saying I rely on other people to feed me, I obviously don't or I would be dead now. I do have my own life with God and that is seriously the ONLY thing that is sustaining me, but that community aspect is so essential, at least for us. We have tried different churches and made friends, but they are all so superficial. We need people that are deep and raw and not afraid to challenge things, and not get offended when we challenge them. You can't just go out and "make" friends like that, you can only really make acquaintances, and whether you click or not isn't something you can control. We have made lots of beautiful and wonderful friends, they just live far away. We need people that we can LIVE with. No one seems up for that here, everyone likes their cozy little lives tucked away in their comfortable homes. They raise their kids, go to church, have their friends, and live their happy lives. Ugh, that is so not me! I need to actually DO something. Living the status quo does not seem worth it to me. That's probably why I have such a hard time with the housewife thing. It's not that I don't want to do it, that I can't do it, and that I don't enjoy being at home with my kids (I do, and wouldn't have it any other way), it's just that when this is all there is, why bother? That sounds so horrible, and everyone pulls the guilt thing and says "Oh, aren't your kids good enough?" Yes, of course they are. But honestly, they are not benefiting from this life either. They deserve better. They are destined for more than this too. This lifestyle is hurting us all. I'm not saying we have to pack up and move to Africa to be missionaries (although we would in a second!), we could stay here in this city the rest of our lives. I don't really care. I just need community. Even if we were never involved with "ministry" again, living with other people just changes that dynamic of life, and makes it more worthwhile. It makes us vulnerable and forces us to deal with our crap and grow. It teaches us what God and the Bible are really all about. There are so many truths and life lessons that we miss out on when we never venture out of our safe little family bubble. And THAT is what's killing me. It's not the dishes, it's not my floors, it's not my incessant children. It's just my heart longing for something more, something that I am called to, but am lacking in.
And I can't just go out and fix it. That's what is frustrating. You can't just grab a bunch of random people and expect to live together and make it work. It has to be a God thing. You all have to want the same thing (God) and not be afraid to get messy in the process. Those people are hard to find here these days. I've contemplated putting an add on kijiji, lol. Community living would solve some of our other problems too, like being able to save money through sharing living expenses (so Dave wouldn't have to work so much and he could actually be more present with us at home), and maybe someone there would be willing to watch the kids once in a while so I could actually read my Bible in peace, nap, or go on a date with Dave. Is that too much to ask? We are honestly just better people when we live in community. We've done it before. We aren't really the "go out" kind of social people, we would rather socialize in every day life. Like around the dinner table, doing dishes together (which we can't even do in our current place because the kitchen only fits 1 person), or while discussing how much we hate each other (in love, of course, we've done that before too but it's always good in the end). I'm just soooo done with this way of life. Maybe I am just a hippie, but honestly I think this is how Christian life is meant to be. Not your happy little life over there, and my happy little life over here. Because, really, mine is not happy. Is yours really happy? Good for you if it is. I bet most people's are, honestly, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to find people with the same heart.
Anyways, this has taken forever, and Judith is currently climbing all over me asking for a turkey sandwich, and Gideon is crying at my feet wanting some boobie and a nap I suspect. So I will stop it here. Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't have the time to edit it. But maybe there is someone else out there who is feeling the same way...
Honestly, I think staying home IS way harder! It's not really the work itself, because that is pretty straightforward, that is if you actually get a chance to do it. But for me it's all of the mental and emotional workload, and lack of rest. I'm sure there are a lot of moms that slack off and watch tv, but honestly I don't have time for that. Maybe it's because I have no family or support out here, and my husband works 12 hours a day, and just wants to sit at the computer when he gets home. So I literally am completely on my own. I also go out at least 6 days a week with the kids, that takes a lot of energy too. Throw in some postpartum depression, thyroid issues and pregnancy here and there, and it's pretty rough. Plus Judith can't seem to do anything (play, eat, sleep) by herself, even though she is so social and outgoing and independent (as in, she doesn't let me help with anything, but I just have to be there. She even asks me to come watch her pee, but I'm not allowed to "help"), I have to be with her 24/7. Gideon will at least play by himself for a while here and there so I can do things. When I was working (while pregnant with Gideon), it was suuuuuch a break to go to work! I was also able to keep my house in better order when I was working, because someone else was here all day taking care of the kids, so I actually had energy when I came home from work. Even though it was hard work for me, it was nothing compared to being at home. The thing about work is, you get to go home. You get to leave it behind at the end of the day, and mentally unwind. I never get to mentally unwind. I am always on the job (even this comment is taking forever because I can't just sit and type it in peace, or in one sitting). I think most moms do make time for themselves, and that's important, I just don't really have the opportunity. And I don't even know what I would do with myself if I did have an hour or two. I am the kind of person that needs a lot of alone time to be able to cope with life, but that's just not an option these days. What I liked about working too was that I could actually be myself for once. I was actually an adult human being that was respected for who I am and what I do, and got to interact with other adults on an adult level. Even when I worked jobs I didn't like, at least I felt like a person. At home, half the time I feel like a robot zombie, and the other half I feel like a kid myself (but not always in a good way). I feel like everything I do is not noticed or appreciated, and it's hard to get the motivation to carry on sometimes. I know that most moms can probably stand up for themselves better, but I don't think it would make a difference. If I say anything to Dave he just goes on about how hard he works, and he's right. He does work more than most husbands. I can't expect anything of him, and honestly I do enjoy taking care of him and serving him amazing food when he gets home from work. I honestly do find a lot of satisfaction in that, even if it gets monotonous.
I think the biggest thing for us is that this is never the life we wanted. Not that we don't want to have a (big) family, we do, and Dave wants to support us financially and I want to be the stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. But this current arrangement just isn't it. We are both seriously burnt out. But we are stuck and don't really have other options at the moment (due to finances). Our hearts and spirits are not being fed, which makes all the difference. It's not that having a family is not good enough, but it's just that we know there is more to our calling than this. And it's so hard being bombarded with all of the everyday tasks, and not even getting those done, let alone do anything external of our family. I want to be the family that travels and does missions and is really tight and just "different". Living in suburbia just surviving day to day kills me. I am so not cut out for this. I could do 10x the physical work I'm doing now, if I just had an outlet to mentally and emotionally unwind, and if I had a community to fill me spiritually.
I'm not saying I rely on other people to feed me, I obviously don't or I would be dead now. I do have my own life with God and that is seriously the ONLY thing that is sustaining me, but that community aspect is so essential, at least for us. We have tried different churches and made friends, but they are all so superficial. We need people that are deep and raw and not afraid to challenge things, and not get offended when we challenge them. You can't just go out and "make" friends like that, you can only really make acquaintances, and whether you click or not isn't something you can control. We have made lots of beautiful and wonderful friends, they just live far away. We need people that we can LIVE with. No one seems up for that here, everyone likes their cozy little lives tucked away in their comfortable homes. They raise their kids, go to church, have their friends, and live their happy lives. Ugh, that is so not me! I need to actually DO something. Living the status quo does not seem worth it to me. That's probably why I have such a hard time with the housewife thing. It's not that I don't want to do it, that I can't do it, and that I don't enjoy being at home with my kids (I do, and wouldn't have it any other way), it's just that when this is all there is, why bother? That sounds so horrible, and everyone pulls the guilt thing and says "Oh, aren't your kids good enough?" Yes, of course they are. But honestly, they are not benefiting from this life either. They deserve better. They are destined for more than this too. This lifestyle is hurting us all. I'm not saying we have to pack up and move to Africa to be missionaries (although we would in a second!), we could stay here in this city the rest of our lives. I don't really care. I just need community. Even if we were never involved with "ministry" again, living with other people just changes that dynamic of life, and makes it more worthwhile. It makes us vulnerable and forces us to deal with our crap and grow. It teaches us what God and the Bible are really all about. There are so many truths and life lessons that we miss out on when we never venture out of our safe little family bubble. And THAT is what's killing me. It's not the dishes, it's not my floors, it's not my incessant children. It's just my heart longing for something more, something that I am called to, but am lacking in.
And I can't just go out and fix it. That's what is frustrating. You can't just grab a bunch of random people and expect to live together and make it work. It has to be a God thing. You all have to want the same thing (God) and not be afraid to get messy in the process. Those people are hard to find here these days. I've contemplated putting an add on kijiji, lol. Community living would solve some of our other problems too, like being able to save money through sharing living expenses (so Dave wouldn't have to work so much and he could actually be more present with us at home), and maybe someone there would be willing to watch the kids once in a while so I could actually read my Bible in peace, nap, or go on a date with Dave. Is that too much to ask? We are honestly just better people when we live in community. We've done it before. We aren't really the "go out" kind of social people, we would rather socialize in every day life. Like around the dinner table, doing dishes together (which we can't even do in our current place because the kitchen only fits 1 person), or while discussing how much we hate each other (in love, of course, we've done that before too but it's always good in the end). I'm just soooo done with this way of life. Maybe I am just a hippie, but honestly I think this is how Christian life is meant to be. Not your happy little life over there, and my happy little life over here. Because, really, mine is not happy. Is yours really happy? Good for you if it is. I bet most people's are, honestly, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to find people with the same heart.
Anyways, this has taken forever, and Judith is currently climbing all over me asking for a turkey sandwich, and Gideon is crying at my feet wanting some boobie and a nap I suspect. So I will stop it here. Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't have the time to edit it. But maybe there is someone else out there who is feeling the same way...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A Four-Fold Franciscan Blessing
(I stole this from the lovely Amy. This prayer really speaks to me, I may have to print it and put it on my wall. It really conveys the heart of both Dave and I.)
May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.
AMEN
May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.
And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide,
be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide,
be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.
AMEN
Thursday, April 16, 2009
So It's Been a While
I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I guess I have just been in a weird place lately. I am trying to figure some things out for my life, mostly where I belong. I feel totally homesick, but I'm not sure for where. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. It just seems like somewhere along the line I fell off the wagon, and have just been camping out in the wilderness ever since. Although, I have this sense that it's not a bad thing... I don't know. I am learning so much in this dry season, but it has been hard, and very lonely. I feel like this is where God has me right now. I don't feel abandoned at all. But I am starting to reassess everything. I have been given a chance to reflect on the past 5.5 years, and gain some clarity. At the same time I do honestly feel spiritually dehydrated. I'm not sure what to do or where to go, and God is not giving me any clear answers about that right now.
So I guess all I can do is continue on, pray, and listen. I know that God will speak when the timing is right.
So I guess all I can do is continue on, pray, and listen. I know that God will speak when the timing is right.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Creating Beauty out of Chaos
The other day I picked up soy chai lattes for all of us at Starbucks, and the quotation on Judith's cup was "Mother-love is not inevitable. The good mother is a great artist ever creating beauty out of chaos." It really spoke to me. I have been struggling lately with my identity as a young mother. So much of what was in my heart pre-motherhood has been put on hold, or forgotten altogether. Some days I wonder if I will ever have the chance to actually be the creative person I know is in there. This simple inscription on the side of my little girl's cup gave me hope that, perhaps, I AM indeed being true to my heart and my purpose in life. It just looks differently than I thought it would. Even just the wording of it spoke to me on many personal levels that I won't take the time to explain here. I will have to remind myself of this next time I get discouraged with my life. I really feel like it was God's word to me that day. It has actually inspired me to try and think of some kind of way I could artistically express that phrase. But alas, the spirit is willing, yet the flesh is weak...
I have also been struggling with my role as a housewife. I am SUCH a horrible housewife! Clutter is attracted to me, and I don't notice until it's too late. I have been trying to make my chores into habits so they aren't so overwhelming, but I just keep failing. It doesn't come naturally to me. The only things I am good at are laundry and meals. Dave is thankful for that, but I just want to be better. This IS my role in life at the moment, and no one is going to help me get things done, it's all up to me. It would be so much easier for me to exist in a communal setting, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen here. I know my heart needs more than this, and that is why it's so hard. There have been other times in my life where I had no problem being neat and clean and organized, despite being busy. But those were also the times in my life that I actually felt like I was living, and loving life (camp, mission trips, college, Australia, etc). I know that it is predominantly a heart issue, and not just a matter of getting things done. Because I KNOW I can get things done. And I do when I need to (like when someone is coming over). My heart just doesn't want to because it is not being filled. I feel like I am constantly putting out with nothing coming back in to refill myself. I am constantly running on empty. I also know that what I really need to fill my heart is God, and nothing else. This has been such a DRY season of my life. I don't get my "alone" time, and have a hard time connecting with God in the midst of that chaos that is my life. That is what I need to learn how to do though... I NEED to learn how to create beauty out of the chaos and find my fulfillment in that. That is my artistic challenge for this season of life.
This was recently written on my friend's blog, and it really spoke to me. (This is just one part of her entry that really spoke to me, although I encourage you to go to her site and read the whole thing):
"Emilie Barnes wrote this:
"A home filled with a welcoming spirit has a sense of order about it. A sense that people not possessions are in charge of the household...that life is proceeding with a purpose and according to an overall plan.
"Most of us respond positively to that kind of order in our lives because we are made in the image of God, and because God organized the whole universe to proceed in an orderly fashion. Think of the creation, when God created a beautiful, populated globe out of darkness and chaos. He is the ultimate organizer and the results of his ordering Spirit are always good. We automatically feel more comfortable and more welcome when we sense his kind of order in our lives.
"In a truly welcoming home, organization takes its proper place in the overall scheme of the universe. The daily chores of maintenance become something we can glory in, partly because they don't overwhelm us or define our whole existence. Don't let this talk of order and organization make you feel guilty or panicked. Even if chaos and clutter in your home and life are wearing you down, the solution is not a whirlwind effort to get organized. Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos-and may drive you and everyone else crazy in the process.
"We humans weren't made to get organized. We were made to live as God's children, worshiping him and delighting in him. As we open our hearts and attitudes to God, putting him first in our lives and looking to him for guidance, he will show us little ways to organize the chaos and lead a more peaceful, ordered existence."
The phrase "Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos" really stands out to me. I know that my problem, and the solution, stems from the state of my heart.
I feel like I really need a break. I need to regroup my thoughts and just get a chance to REST for once. I'm sure it would take WEEKS of rest for me to feel "normal" again. But I can't see that happening any time soon. I feel like I have been in survival mode ever since becoming a mother. So everything but survival has been pushed aside. I seriously have NO idea how to go about making beauty out of chaos. I really don't. But my heart wants to. My email address is actually "peace.in.chaos" and has been that since college. That concept really appeals to me. I think that's why I like flylady, although lately I have been failing there too. I know it's definitely a heart issue. So I guess all I can do right now is pray that God changes my heart. I can't seem to be able to do it on my own.
I have also been struggling with my role as a housewife. I am SUCH a horrible housewife! Clutter is attracted to me, and I don't notice until it's too late. I have been trying to make my chores into habits so they aren't so overwhelming, but I just keep failing. It doesn't come naturally to me. The only things I am good at are laundry and meals. Dave is thankful for that, but I just want to be better. This IS my role in life at the moment, and no one is going to help me get things done, it's all up to me. It would be so much easier for me to exist in a communal setting, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen here. I know my heart needs more than this, and that is why it's so hard. There have been other times in my life where I had no problem being neat and clean and organized, despite being busy. But those were also the times in my life that I actually felt like I was living, and loving life (camp, mission trips, college, Australia, etc). I know that it is predominantly a heart issue, and not just a matter of getting things done. Because I KNOW I can get things done. And I do when I need to (like when someone is coming over). My heart just doesn't want to because it is not being filled. I feel like I am constantly putting out with nothing coming back in to refill myself. I am constantly running on empty. I also know that what I really need to fill my heart is God, and nothing else. This has been such a DRY season of my life. I don't get my "alone" time, and have a hard time connecting with God in the midst of that chaos that is my life. That is what I need to learn how to do though... I NEED to learn how to create beauty out of the chaos and find my fulfillment in that. That is my artistic challenge for this season of life.
This was recently written on my friend's blog, and it really spoke to me. (This is just one part of her entry that really spoke to me, although I encourage you to go to her site and read the whole thing):
"Emilie Barnes wrote this:
"A home filled with a welcoming spirit has a sense of order about it. A sense that people not possessions are in charge of the household...that life is proceeding with a purpose and according to an overall plan.
"Most of us respond positively to that kind of order in our lives because we are made in the image of God, and because God organized the whole universe to proceed in an orderly fashion. Think of the creation, when God created a beautiful, populated globe out of darkness and chaos. He is the ultimate organizer and the results of his ordering Spirit are always good. We automatically feel more comfortable and more welcome when we sense his kind of order in our lives.
"In a truly welcoming home, organization takes its proper place in the overall scheme of the universe. The daily chores of maintenance become something we can glory in, partly because they don't overwhelm us or define our whole existence. Don't let this talk of order and organization make you feel guilty or panicked. Even if chaos and clutter in your home and life are wearing you down, the solution is not a whirlwind effort to get organized. Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos-and may drive you and everyone else crazy in the process.
"We humans weren't made to get organized. We were made to live as God's children, worshiping him and delighting in him. As we open our hearts and attitudes to God, putting him first in our lives and looking to him for guidance, he will show us little ways to organize the chaos and lead a more peaceful, ordered existence."
The phrase "Unless you begin with the heart, the most complete reorganization of house and home will just give you a clean slate for chaos" really stands out to me. I know that my problem, and the solution, stems from the state of my heart.
I feel like I really need a break. I need to regroup my thoughts and just get a chance to REST for once. I'm sure it would take WEEKS of rest for me to feel "normal" again. But I can't see that happening any time soon. I feel like I have been in survival mode ever since becoming a mother. So everything but survival has been pushed aside. I seriously have NO idea how to go about making beauty out of chaos. I really don't. But my heart wants to. My email address is actually "peace.in.chaos" and has been that since college. That concept really appeals to me. I think that's why I like flylady, although lately I have been failing there too. I know it's definitely a heart issue. So I guess all I can do right now is pray that God changes my heart. I can't seem to be able to do it on my own.
Monday, January 26, 2009
At Small Group Last Night...
We were talking about living an intentionally creative lifestyle, and how we can support one another in that. Dave and I have had a hard time being creative lately. For a long time, actually. Both of us really struggle with perfectionism (hello flylady!), which makes it hard for us to do anything since we are so critical of ourselves. But the discussion brought back lots of memories of the different times people have encouraged me, and others of when people (mostly teachers or leaders) really hurt me. I also was reminded of how whenever people that didn't know me prayed over me (mostly in Ottawa and Australia, but also randomly other places), creativity always came up. Seriously, every time. But I haven't really done anything creative. I know part of it is that I am strapped for space and time with the kids, and my brain is functioning on minimum power because I never got to sleep for more than an hour at a time... and I am trying to balance so many responsibilities. But I need to do something. I guess blogging is kind of something. And for some reason I have been really creative with my meals lately. I guess I also do the jewelry-making thing, which is kind of creative, but it's more of a hobby. But those aren't things that really really really capture my heart. What I do enjoy is writing, photography, and music. I'd love to learn more about video too. But how do I pursue any of that when I am always running on empty? Dave feels the same way. We were both feeling really weird and down last night at the meeting, but we did have a good discussion in the van on the way home (the kids fell asleep, so we just stayed in the van for over half an hour once we got home, just talking). Dave is such a talented musician and songwriter (I think he's good at visual arts too, but I haven't really seen any of his art since he quit that before we met), and he got our new computer equipped with good recording software, but he is seriously SO wasted when he comes home from work that he has no energy to be creative. And usually it takes the whole weekend just to recover and get ready to face work the following week. Although he has been getting his guitar out more lately, he just hasn't had time/energy to write/record anything. Oh, and Dave also really wants to make tshirts. He has some fun ideas. And of course he loves graphic and web design.
I think we just feel really stuck. Like, what do we do? Dave HAS to work as much as he does for us to survive here. And he does like his job, he likes the exercise he gets and that he is outside all day, he likes that they respect him, value him and treat him well, and he works with great guys, which is hard to find (not to mention he gets a truck!). And it's important to us that I stay home with the kids. Sooo... we are still trying to figure out what we can do. I start work tomorrow, just 8-10 hours a week from home, but still that will force me to get more organized. So maybe I can organize a way for us to have some personal, creative time. It's so hard though, as any time I have a spare moment, I either do something online (to try and unwind a bit), or do housecleaning. (Isn't it funny that once you become a mom, having an hour free to do housework is EXCITING?!) And I don't think I would be in a mental place to be creative unless I was in a quiet, organized environment. I just need to figure out a better way.
When I was pregnant with Judith in Australia, one of the pastors had a prophetic picture of me and "the baby" (ie Judith) when she was 3 years old doing prophetic art together. I honestly didn't believe her. I've always had a hard time with art. I am absolutely no good at it. And interestingly enough, Judith never liked art either as she grew (she has just never had the attention span to sit and draw/colour/paint/anything that involves sitting or staying in one place for more than 3 seconds). But out of nowhere, literally just since she turned 3, Judith has become infatuated with painting. Especially finger painting, she has made tons of pictures now. Soooo... we'll see what happens!
Then, another one of the pastors in Australia really had an overwhelming word for me about writing. She said she saw me writing children's books. She cried when she said it, and she gives prophetic words all the time, and I don't think I ever saw her cry any other time during the 6 months we were there. I had never ever thought of writing children's books... Dave suggested last night that maybe I should just start writing little books for Judith, so maybe I will. I could let her illustrate. = )
Anyways, there isn't really a huge point to this, I just wanted to write it out. I suppose it does have a lot to do with my spiritual life and journey.
I keep thinking about THIS and how perfect it would be for us. I haven't heard back from them for months though...
I think we just feel really stuck. Like, what do we do? Dave HAS to work as much as he does for us to survive here. And he does like his job, he likes the exercise he gets and that he is outside all day, he likes that they respect him, value him and treat him well, and he works with great guys, which is hard to find (not to mention he gets a truck!). And it's important to us that I stay home with the kids. Sooo... we are still trying to figure out what we can do. I start work tomorrow, just 8-10 hours a week from home, but still that will force me to get more organized. So maybe I can organize a way for us to have some personal, creative time. It's so hard though, as any time I have a spare moment, I either do something online (to try and unwind a bit), or do housecleaning. (Isn't it funny that once you become a mom, having an hour free to do housework is EXCITING?!) And I don't think I would be in a mental place to be creative unless I was in a quiet, organized environment. I just need to figure out a better way.
When I was pregnant with Judith in Australia, one of the pastors had a prophetic picture of me and "the baby" (ie Judith) when she was 3 years old doing prophetic art together. I honestly didn't believe her. I've always had a hard time with art. I am absolutely no good at it. And interestingly enough, Judith never liked art either as she grew (she has just never had the attention span to sit and draw/colour/paint/anything that involves sitting or staying in one place for more than 3 seconds). But out of nowhere, literally just since she turned 3, Judith has become infatuated with painting. Especially finger painting, she has made tons of pictures now. Soooo... we'll see what happens!
Then, another one of the pastors in Australia really had an overwhelming word for me about writing. She said she saw me writing children's books. She cried when she said it, and she gives prophetic words all the time, and I don't think I ever saw her cry any other time during the 6 months we were there. I had never ever thought of writing children's books... Dave suggested last night that maybe I should just start writing little books for Judith, so maybe I will. I could let her illustrate. = )
Anyways, there isn't really a huge point to this, I just wanted to write it out. I suppose it does have a lot to do with my spiritual life and journey.
I keep thinking about THIS and how perfect it would be for us. I haven't heard back from them for months though...
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